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Conflict is hard on our body and spirit. Conflict can damage
relationships. Life can be a challenge when we are constantly looking for
conflict, stirring things up and allowing ourselves to feel hard done by.
Learning to pick our battles is intelligent.
Anytime we believe we have been “wronged” we are at risk for moving into an unhealthy patterned response.
The response may be to go to war or the response may
be to retreat. These are automated responses. Some people enjoy conflict and
have argumentative natures; they haven’t learned to pick their battles. Other
people have not drawn a line in the sand and passively withdraw from conflict. They either lack confidence or are unclear on their position, they have not learned to pick their battles either.
Much of how we deal with conflict today can be attributed to
the conflict styles of our early programmers’ aka parental figures. The subconscious mind continues to run reactive programs. We watch,
we learn, we practice and we get “good” at responding in automated ways. (more on early programming in the required workbook).
Ideally, as adults, our responses to potential conflict can
become more conscious and deliberate. We can learn to tailor our responses so that what we
say or do comes from a less angry place and instead from a place that is
planned and productive.
are my goals for this relationship?
the other entitled to a different perspective?
is the best time to approach the issue?
- Am I
going into “battle” with the intention of a mutual resolution?
When it comes to conflict we are each chock full of many associations and triggers.
In relationships we are continually
“firing off” triggers with and without intent. Truly, most of us are clueless
about our own triggers and associations and yet expect others to “know” when a
line has been crossed.
The more we can understand that each of us is responding
from an automated programmed place the better we can get at addressing the
questions above. Addressing the questions above can help move us from a
habituated response to a conscious and deliberate response.
- Angry responses are often simply automatic conditioned programmed responses.
- New healthier responses that are congruent with the life we want can be learned.
- New ways of being can become natural and easy if we honor the learning needs of the subconscious mind.